I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
