I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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