She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
