walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
