sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
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