NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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