I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.