Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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