You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
