I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
