why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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