Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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