It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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