but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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