sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
