Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
