Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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