Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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