I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
