just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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