I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
