i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
