Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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