Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
