He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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