Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
