Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
