Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
