He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
