I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
