Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
