She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
