i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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