I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
