Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
