it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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