Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
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Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
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Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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