life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
