Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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