Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
