The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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