I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
