Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So many bounce houses so little time
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
