oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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