currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
