i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
