I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
