You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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