Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
