She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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