you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She even gives head with a lisp.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
