Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
