I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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