I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
