That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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